“It’s not things that upset us, but our judgement about things.” ~ Epictetus

What happens matters. Yet often, the meaning we assign to an event, or the story we tell ourselves about it, has an even greater impact on how we feel. There are different possible meanings to every situation, but you may notice your mind chooses one to focus on.

Let’s look at some examples:

• A friend doesn’t text back.
  • Meaning #1: “They’re upset with me.”
  • Meaning #2: “They’re probably busy.”
• A supervisor gives feedback.
  • Meaning #1: “‘I’m failing.”
  • Meaning #2: “Someone is investing in my growth.”
• A partner asks for space.
  • Meaning #1: “They’re leaving.”
  • Meaning #2: “They’re trying to regulate themselves.”
• A partner says “Maybe next summer we could take a trip together.”
  • Meaning #1: “They’re invested.”
  • Meaning #2: “Whoa, this is moving too fast. They’re going to expect more from me.”

With each of these examples, we can see it’s a similar event but a different experience based on the interpretation. And, we tend to respond more to the interpretation rather than the event itself.

Our interpretations are often shaped by past experiences, attachment patterns, beliefs about ourselves, and expectations about others. When we have a strong emotional reaction, it can be helpful to become curious about the story we’re telling ourselves. This doesn’t mean our interpretation is wrong. Rather, it invites us to consider whether there may be other perspectives that are equally possible.

The next time you notice a strong emotional reaction, it can be important to pause and ask yourself:

• What story am I telling myself about what happened?
• What meaning am I assigning to this situation?
• Is there another perspective that could also be true?